My Perspective

08:41 pm - How to be Happy

A friend asked me how they can pull themselves out of the past year of loneliness and heartache and believe in love agani and all that sort of stuff, and here is my response.....I jsut want to keep it, for My record.

I can't tell you a formula, like if you mix security+apathy you'll get a solid person who doesn't need the world to have a good day to make you happy. It's not quite like that, it's just, a decision you have to make one day, when you've had enough of sadness and genuinely want to just for once be happy, and not look back.
I was ready to die, and then I was told that my parents were actually Waiting to hear of my suicide, and that's when, well not then, it took a while to sink it, but that was the clincher, when you find out people don't care if you die, that you just decide, you make the decision, that the world no longer controls Who you are and your Disposition on life.
You decide that YOU will choose your outlook, the world can Influence all they want, but at the end of the day, if you see 15% clear smiling-at-you, million-dollar-day blue sky, rather than "mostly cloudy", then that, is Indeed how it IS, and no one can change that. See the beauty in life whenever possible.

here's a col new video of mine!  www.youtube.com/watch
I'm really starting to like playing my guitar!!

Current Mood: artistic

12:46 pm - ...where my lfie is going

Í found myself in Fort McMurray 2 years ago, after a Shift occured in my life.

Brazil had been visited not 10 months earlier, and since that visit, my art exploded, as did my thirt for Jazz music. I knew I was growing, but my boyfriend at the time didnt understand what was happening, (we met when I was 20)and was prompting my to defend my changes in preference and I had no real answers. Does that make sense? They call me a W.O.W. Widow, because it was the World of Warcraft that took his attention most of the time. Our roommate became more of a friend to me, taking day trips with my to Whyte Avenue and such. Things I used to do with my ex. And he was more of a deep thinker, and didn´t listen to horrible death metal and such, that I had to constantly tolerate (remember I´m tense as it is, I really like to relax now!) .....Looking back of course, I´ve many ideas on what I could have done/said differently.  Though we did have a couple months of compromise, I chose to move out.  We had been together three years.
I got my own little bachelor suite downtown, close to my job, and after 3 months decided I needed to actually leave the whole city. My sister had been living there for 8 years and I knew she´d welcome me, and my new ´crutch´ I was bringing with me. (The roommate actually, who was also very lsot in his life).  The first 6 months were horrid. Walking in the cold, and the anger I felt upon giving up on 3 years with someone......it was very sad. Once I realized that I was only morphing into a real-well rounded-adult, I regained some independance, and have been living in a house with 3 roommates for a year and a half. I for the first time since...beofre puberty, I can say I am happy, and there´s not a doubt in the back of my mind, I am SO happy with my life.
I remember last time I was here in Brazil, I cried the first 2 hours on the plane ride home. It was my first real vacation! Now, well it may sounds strange, but I´ve eager to get back. Only 3 more days to go, and hopefully, upon my return all the journalling I´ve been doing will point me somewhere....
My 2009 decisions:
I need to decide a) What I will do with the retension payout in April b)If I should resign for 3 years. I would receive a 20% bonus annually, but its taxed. So If I choose to leave before the 3 years, I must repay the totaly amount to the company, and go after the government for the taxed portion.  It would be complicated, but I know it has been done before. Anyhow, If I sign, I really have one more year there if I want to leave before the first bonus.  My only problem is: I love my job, the team i´m with, and my colleague, Al, has agreed not to retire next year in order to work with the team for 3 few more years (top up his pention and get those bonuses eh?)
So, if I leave, there´s still the question of-what or where are I leaving to?  And will I actually quit my job, or gracioiusly ask for a leave of absense and cross my fingers? I could quit and stash the cash and just `BE`...my aunt invited my to New Zealand..... and Tomorow I will tour that school here that I could teach at.
Or I could move to a new community within Canada, perhaps a TAD further south, and get a job as...?  But employment isn´t as secure as it was a couple years ago.....
Or, I could just stay there. It´s wonderful place in the summer, really I dont mind the cold, its the darkness that gets to me. Syncrude gives alot of holidays, and I am very content right now. So maybe I can keep my cushy job, keep on keeping on, and jsut takea long vacation each January.
Fuck I need ot make some big decidions this year.....

Current Mood: busy

09:36 pm

Work has finally slowed down. I leave for Brasil in 16 days.
I lvoe my Guitar, she's a wonderous love of mine.  I'm bartending as my "december" part-time job. I've had many december jobs over the past years...calendar club, selling sweaters make in Peru...now bar tending....
Yes so life is still moving. I am still enjoying this movement.
It's quite cold this week. -31C........tomorrow night, with the wind chill, it'll be -38c... Brazi lBrasil Brasil.......hmm. Porto ALegre.

Gotta go, Gotta go Gotta go Back to Brasil.....The USA is okay, its okay, It's okay, but I just cant stay. The Samba,--Is calling me Back Home....

Current Mood: busy

08:04 pm

I've been really stressed out at work.
I'm trying ot work with this promotion thing, but it's jsut sp hard to enter a learning curve and climb it and achieve and learn the new role, when I am constantly interupted with me other position, that I still have no one to pass it along to.
I was so stresed out, 3 weeks ago that I had a meeting with my colleague and supervisor, to voice my *I've fucking stressed out and unlike most people in the "working town" I am NOT built to handle such an amount of stress.  The solution my suypervisor came p with is that he, himself, Mr.Overworked and Diligent and Charismatic, would take the time to A)Do my data enter, and B)Take on the booking of my rooms.  These two things are well.....3/4 or my day. So I watched through both our doorways, as I struggled to understand what I need to learn, as my boss did my job for the first 5 hours of his already busy day. Two weeks later I went out sick and slept for 4 days straight. I was stressed, had gone out drinking the past weekend and my immunse system let out.
So, this is the monday after my "week away" I am feweling substantially better. The sun is shining upon me, Happy inside (walking to work under the cover of darknes, start twinkling, lovely music in my headphones, crisp wind whipping my neck and nose perky red appon arrival. I seetle people into their classrooms for their days training, sit at my work station around 8:15. By 9:25 I am quivering, trying to breath. Unable to ever prioritize all the tasks that lay before me. No way around it. I want to go home on stress leave for the rest of the day. I want to talk to my father about his experiences with workplace stress (I know fof a fact he's gone through this)  As if leaving and running home and rensting will make it better for tomorrow. I was already in good spirits. *Turn that frown un-side-down*  Ok ok, it's getting to long a stry. Long and short, nice older man across the way wlaking into my office sees my face, and says "Come have a chocolate in my office. 30 minutes later, after tears all over and 4 kleenexes, and only 1 square of chocolate (I did very well!) I return to my office a little more composed, with a plan for the next ten day, unlit relief comes.  Just ten days. I can do this.


And a little at home as well.
I cut to the chase, in one of those powerful driving moments where I must have a fmaily soon or I just might swallow and hope I have for the future, like I may not ever be complete without a couple kids. Which of course also demand a rock of a man to be at my side.  I cut to the chase. Asked straight out. He said "no". Plain and simple. After much thought. No, he is not willing to start it all over again. I crumble inside. I always dreamed to have a family with someone I was madly in love with. And since I am currently madly in love with him, I simple can not picture someone else taking his place. It is jsut not possible to find another one of him. Mr.Wonderful.    I'm over it now. The demanding thing inside me subsided, again, for another month or more. 

Flip side: I am now mosaic tiling my dresser, should be completed this wekeend. Then on to the kitchen. Maybe it could be another thing I truely love. creating and colors and finishing and oh my I'm excited to have another hobby. Oh and I am doing a painting that it a tribute to the greatest lvoe of my life. Not for resale. I will gift it to him when I've looked at it long enough. And he will ook at it for years ot come, and I will haunt him. The thought makes me revel in his love all over again and again. Just hold me. Let me smell you.

Current Mood: calm

07:23 pm - 9weeks update??

NINE weeks since my last post? Hole Shit!!! I Came back form 2 weeks traveling around alberta, got my ZTESOL certificatede, worked 2 weeks, then took off to CHicago to see some people i met on youtube, it was FAB_Especially since i was able to stay with members of the band and get real nice CHicago tours!
hey I had a rough week, my first - EVER - Jazz guitar lesson was double booked and I started crying, right there in the hallway. It was totally embarrassing, and I don't get embarrassed very easily. *horrid* So I got an apology, and a new name, some chick names Agnes teaches Classical, Electric and Acousic, sounds like a salada-de-viola, but it's worth a try, or I loose a whole semester of learning! But Oooh did i want this saught after Jazz lady from Edmonton! *Wwwaa*

Pic of me in awesomely cool bathroom is chicago restaurant!!


I bought so many percussion instruments in Chicago had a grand time! Nice people and great music, and tonnnnnes of food! *whao!*   \
  What a week. AND Since returning from Chicago, I've been stead  busy at work and not switching my mouse from right to left weekly, and not I had to fill out a workplace injury report and physio, and hot packs for the last 10 days on my neck, shoulder etc It's just awful! *hense* why I have only been turning on my computer twice a week.....
OK I should really get off this PC and hit the sack. SO tired.

Current Mood: chipper

10:04 pm - Guitar Girl

I bought a banjo last year. Had only one lesson online and promptly stopped trying.   I tried to find someone in town who could teach me in person, but all I could uncover was one fellow.  He is from Australian, and after I got over how thick the accent was, I found his Twang sound was jsut not what i was looking for. And he thoug hme crazy to (apparently) play guitar chords on a banjo.
So beig up in Norhtern Canada (!) I surrendered to the guitar, for hopes of at least familiarizing myself with some chords, and yes-finding an antual teacher or someone nice firend I could mooch musical instruction offer.

Thus: My quest to learn bossa nova and other Jazz on the banjo, has turned in to Caroline playing Alan Jackson and John Michael Mountgomry, and good ol' Ian Tyson!   At least I'm learning some chords, but I think the jazz is kind of far off....the strange part-I am doing excellent for the amount of time I have put into it and am really enjoying myself, even though the padding on my ring finger on my left hand is out of nerves. Seriously. I't pins and needles-I hardly have any sensation left. haha
So, I have also learned that my voice can carry quite the amount of "twang" in it if I so choose to let it out!
So hello world, I play guitar! Who woulda' thunk it?!?

Current Mood: calm

09:44 pm - new website :) Show de bola!

Sigh. I am falling in love.....  with a website. www.last.fm
Gifted to me from my ex Gustavo, as "the tip of the year", It as changed my life yes-my favorite of the day. I plug in Caetano Veloso, and it plays music form this artist and more like him. I found out Bethania and this other due were siblings!!
I love Jorge Ben, just found out about that Gal Costa, who apparently was super influential, *HOW did I miss that???* 





Anyhow, a site I am so happy to have, that I nearly couldn't pull myself away to go into the back yard this past weekend (and it was +28....)    I can't wait for christmas! I'm going to buy a laptop for myself, and throw out my linux tower...it's time to go babe, sorry  hehe but she keeps freezing on me, and i need a stereo, if she won't play, I 'll find a PC that WILL!

07:36 pm - Firtness Tidbit #1

Carolines' Colleague

June 21 at 2:57pm

Hey Caroline,
How are you? You were right about the shift work, definitely not for me. Plus on 8's I can work out more often.I really need to loose weight. I was wondering if you have any weight loss tips for me. Fabia said you really know your stuff. I'm waaaaay outta shape. I have a friend of mine that has been helping me at the gym but I want more knowledge. hehe Anything you know and would like to pass on would be great. :)

Caroline J

Today at 7:35pm

Hey Amy, Well I had to really think of something good to tell you. I'm struggling myself right now with choices regarding how I spend my time, and what I put in to my body. (and why, am I eating for flavor, or for functionality??). I think that is the biggest hurdle one has to cross with weight loss, choices.

So, my tip of the week *hehe* ask yourself:
"Is this taking me closer to my goal, or away from my goal?"


What IS the goal, and how adamant are you that you will achieve that goal??
I.e. I love smoking cigarettes. I smoke more when I drink. I got to the point where if I drank I would indefinitely smoke-therefore, 2 weeks ago I decided I was no longer allowed to drink, (its a privilege, not a right) until I trusted myself enough to not smoke, because if I smoke, I don't exercise, which means i get depressed, which mean I gain weight, it's all leading me away from my goal.....

12:01 am

I think i have 14 months left! Yep-at this moment anyhow.
I always get so wound up before....well, being a woman isn't always easy. And the past few months.....since February I guess, I have been quite extreme in mood changes-even to the point I really am not sure I trust my decisions during this time, so I have been avoiding decisions that involve and major commitments, like trips/plane tickets/etc...yeah,....
SO, officially, I have decided to go to Santa Cruz du Sul to teach english ONE hr a day in exchange for room/board. I won't be so close to the ocean, but I will be surrounded my people who can speak with me in portuguese....  If I get bored, apprently they pay somehting like $8/hr for anyhting you teach more that one hr..n.ot that I would be there to *make big bucks*  And there's a capoeira place within walking distance......sigh.
I really am not sure what has possessed me to make this trip. Its a goal I have meditated on for osme time and I am a little scared that onceI go and do this, I may be disappointed, but I need to stop listening to al lthe people who have told me this...because i feel called. I really need to go. Ive tried to shake it, but I MUST head onward and upward!!

I don't know why I can be fine, happy to be me, and comfortable in my own skin, then the next week comes, and all the sudden I am this insecure whiney little baby. It's not very fun.  Alas, I am aware of it, and therefore can do somethign about it, correct? *ugh* I amexhausted...
hora de dormer.
tchau
beijos
tchau
beigos

Current Mood: blah

07:08 pm - dish washer??

My vacation was so grey, I canceled the second one i had scheduled for this summer. I left town, and flew into the clouds, and got 1 day of sunlight (and by one day, I mean 2 hrs).....so Texas/Pensacola are both out. Wil be home for American Independence day.

New guy, new hopes, new revelations. Answer me this-If i want a semi-traditional life long relationship, i.e. children with a man and live together and raise the kids etc etc, am I actually volunteering to be the housekeeper, literally?


I guess, once I put it down in writing, -duh caroline- of course it means that.... But when I actually think about it, I don't want to be stuck at home for years with babies and dirty clothes and dishes and such. Can I not work and have kids? Is that not relaistic? I mean, to og to work once the kdis go to school.   If this deep longing for children is bringing me down a road of being the submissive house keeper, maybe I am looking down the wrong path....


I have to admit, cleaning the apartment felt really good, the clean up after a man-but I also remember doing this for my last guy, and even though it's  nice-theraputic, thinking time, put the tunes on and just zoom zoom-I also resented the time I spentdoing it, keeping me away form my work. But here I am again, WANTING to be someones workhorse, for what?-The sense of companionship?? Sense of belonging??? I kind of feel like he may be screwing with me,...or manybe this new guy jsut doesn't know what canadaina women are like- I mean, as he dropped me off the other day, he changed his "Can I come to ver and sue your hopse/driveway to wash my car" -to- "Yeah and if I can come over next weekend, and you can wash my car?" Given ge was smirking, and I laughed, but I honestly felt a little insulted.......How long should I let this drag out for? Why let ie drap out at all? Well, because deep down Im hoping there's something more to us, potential I guess. Call me fooling....I feel foolish.......

Current Mood: pensive

09:50 pm - bible test

<div style="width: 320px; border: 1px solid gray; padding: 6px; font: normal 12px arial, verdana, sans-serif; color: black; background-color: white;"><b style="color: black; font: bold 20px 'Times New Roman', serif; display: block; margin-bottom: 8px;">You know the Bible 79%!</b> <div style="width: 200px; background: white; border: 1px solid black; text-align: left;"><div style="width: 79%; background: red; font-size: 8px; line-height: 8px;">&nbsp;</div></div><p style="margin: 10px; border: none; background: white; color: black;">Wow!  You are truly a student of the Bible!  Some of the questions were difficult, but they didn't slow you down!  You know the books, the characters, the events . . . Very impressive! <br><br><b><a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/ultimate_bible_quiz" style="color: blue;">Ultimate Bible Quiz</a><br><a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/" style="color: blue;">Create MySpace Quizzes</a></b></p></div>


That's what I remember from my upbringing as a pentecostal.  It took me nearly half a decade to de-program myself form this, and now I am testing prior knowledge. *shakes head*

Current Mood: tired

08:14 pm - Re-Cap

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Well, May 11th and all is well.
Caroline has been so scattered. After this dream of attending a university in Brasil, she and Tyler spent more and more time together, and became exclusive. Tyler said he couldn't picture Caroline going to Brasil. Even though she found this offensive, she still really liked him. After a very comfortable weekend together, She freaked out and broke up with him after only 1 month of dating.  Scared of what this relationship would do to her dream of Brasil and her art, and music etc.

2 days later, She spoke with her Father in Guatemala who offered this: Whenever making a decision, always know what you are giving up, what you will loose.  She later txt mssgd Tyler and ate her words, asking if activities together would suffice for now.  Realizing that the future was up in the air, but that she did not want to end a relationship that obviously holds potential for long term commitments.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


I still don't know what exactly is going on in my life. 
I ice my knees daily then go biking, practice my string instruments, go out with random people that I believe enrich my life, and practice Portuguese like crazy.  I save money, and play in stock market-have dreams of being an interior designer, or a ceramic flooring installer, maybe I can work into mosaics?  I want to study portuguese in a school, I want to leave my office job, I want to live somewhere warm, and I want it all in the near future. All is possibly, nothing seems attainable right now. But it doesn't matter. For the next 5 months, I will be content where I am, most certainly.

I know that the sun is shining and I am a happier, more alive person when I can listen to my Bossa, when I can create an abstract masterpiece, practice my guitar and banjo, and grow herbs, read and write in my journal, visit with friends smoke and drink the night away - all in the backyard.
I am a warm person, and Fort McMurray is going to be great this summer.
AND I salvaged a relationship that I had Axed-and maybe Tyler and I can really go in a canoe and go fishing, I would really enjoy that, I know I would. I'm going to have to behave, control myself a little.  It was going so fast, so natural and I met his mom, and spent the weekend at his house, and you know what? I felt like I was at Gustavos.
All of the sudden, I was mothering, WANTING to do household administrator organization....and it didn't feel out of place at all.  Then I thought, well if I left Gustavo because I was hell bent on going to Brasil (and he was certain he would never live there again) If I left for that reason, then got into a relationship with was, scarily, so similar to the one I left, would I not be doing myself a disservice?? 
I think it may have something to do with the fact that Tyler's condo is ....oh, 85% the same layout/style as the one I lived in with Gustavo.  creepy.
So, confused Tyler said 'no problem' that he could go "as slow as a turtle on a beach" because "hey"-he likes me.
What of my true love you ask?  I axed it, and killed it shortly after that first date I had with Tyler.  And he is, as agreed, giving it a year of TRUE effort with his menopausal wife......so *tips hat* I wish him all the best.

Current Mood: accomplished

06:53 pm - Boa idea, ne?

I spent the weekend in the living room, after a monster snow storm covered much of my city.  Sitting in the living room painting and littleness to brazilian 60's singers, I realized a new possibility.  I had intended to go to Brazil to learn more portuguese, then???? Return with what little bit of my nest egg I have left and then what?....Well I have a good job making good money right now, I need to complete my high school (because in Brazil GED means nothing) and once I am in Brazil, perhaps if I CAN grasp the language, talves eu posse de estudar arte, na Brasil! Fine Arts, and the country where I belong. THIS is a goal worth saving for.   I give myself 1year to complete the high school pre-req's, if I have a deadline I definitely will meet it, and continue on my savings plan.  I will go the Brazil Fall 09, study portuguese for 1 semester, then dive into a Bachelor of Fine Arts. Crystal Clear, just like that it all came to me, and I feel like-perhaps this idea really IS something I could stick with. Something I want to stick with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK3gNPR739I

I SO wanted to call Dulce, mina Brasileira mamae, mas eu no me lembro como fala em portuguese! Entao eu telefonar meu Gustavo para falar, e talves lembro mais, mas eu fala em ingles....merda!



 

Current Mood: chipper

08:08 pm - Enter: TylerDavid^@&!*^: 5"11 172lbs, HAIR:Light brown EYES:MultiColor (brown, with green centers)

I began a new job 2 weeks ago. it's going to be boring I think. BUT I will avoid taking the bus 3+ hours a day, AND be across the parking lot from the fitness center. *woo hoo*
So, the job is going well. I will soon be 'popular' downtown now.....right. I was at the local Irish pub here, with a guy, thats my age. We met for drinks. Twice random strangers come up to the table to ask if I worked out at Aurora. Uh-hu. I am trying to have my first date is YEARS-and these dorks just HAVE to confirm if I am "that" girl.
Date, you say? Well yes, Caroline has grown impatient with married spouse-like relationship, actually, although I feel very loved, more loved than I have ever felt in my life, but it's not good enough-to be someone else's "number 2 girl".  It's just a shitty feeling at the end of the day or weekend...in my case. We have a couple awesome fabulous weeks together, then he goes down to visit is best and dearest friend (who would blame him?) and I am sitting here, doing my thing, wondering if he is making 'progress" i.e., will #2 be sluffed off to the side?
Who am I kidding? I don't blame him for wanting to try and rekindle his marriage, and honestly, the chances of us EVER being together, openly and in public are fucking slim, since he is one of those "don't ask don't tell" kind of characters. He is the exact opposite of my 'open book' personality. it's strange. I have learned a lot about people's perceptions of each other, because of our different privacy policies haha
OK on to this date with -ekk- Tyler. (ALL the kids I knew growing up with the name Tyler were fucking asswhipes. I mean bad ass trouble makers. Fuckheads)

Anyhow, We ate lunch in the same lunch room for months,...I mean not every day, but frequently.  There's this other Saskatchewan farm boy who would also eat lunch, and was eagerly encouraging a relationship to spring up (SO not going to happen-no chemistry, and can NOT get over the fact that he reminds me of my younger brother, even though um-well my bro is 20, buddy is 31 I think)  ANYhow-buddy would be chatting away, hoping SOMETHING would happen and then there was Tyler.  Tyler is a surveyor. He walks for miles every day.  Sometimes in 3 feet of water, sometimes in 4 ft of snow. Hard walking, and is suited up in to 30lbs of gear and instrumentation stuff.  Tyler eats food that is horribly low in nutrition. THUS, the beginning of the flirt stage.  I would hand him an apple and say a wee prater for cancer to avoid his bowel regionds.
I am no longer working out on site, so he had to text mssg me outside of work. Impressive for a semi-shy-guy.
OK, long and short of it is, It's very apparent we both like each other. Showed up for drinks saturday night and sat in our own little worked for 2 hours, with a loud buzzing bar around us, and pretty much interviewed each other haha Laughing the whole time, me-with how obvious it was that we were interviewing each other. Him-well, not sure. Perhaps for the same reason, or partly, I suspect, out of nervousness.
I later said "Don't worry, my face twitches when I'm nervous too".
So, here's a picture of Tyler, on one of the last days I was at site. Did I mention he is NOT a fuck head? AND has a job and a house and seems to be somewhat well rounded? Uh-aside form the somewhat poor diet and tv watching. Oh the video games, but must investigate the entire lifestyle further before writing off this instant rapport we have. I believe they call is Chemistry?  Fuck I have...never dated a 25 year old.....since....I was 17. Jeezuz.
Yep-he let me take a foto in the hallway, then I creepily snuck to a nearest window and snatched another one ! Ba Ha Ha

06:02 pm

Guatemala was amazing. Here I am, trying ot get to the bathroom in the back of a pub. I didn't notice the roof and caught my ponytail. Strangers were laughting at me...what a site it was.



I have lots to talk about.
I got a new job today, well a transfer, within my company, but its 11 minutes walk from my home, instead of a grueling 90 minute bus ride (each way) everyday. Yay for me!

Current Mood: busy

08:40 pm - 6 weeks overdue

I'm off on holidays for a few weeks now... Going south to Texas for 3 days, then on to visit the parents in Guatemala. Should be interesting, the parents will tour me, maybe to some old pyramid ruins, then around some garbage dumps-I've bough $166.00 worth of 2in1 shampoo, toothbrushes/paste, soup, floss (even though Dad just told me they don't even know what that is), and a few other things....So, I have every certainty that I will be "stirred" in one way or another.  Will bring my [paper] journal ;)

I got a call today from the doctors office, saying they needed to see me straight away regarding some test results. Not a good sign, since they said they would only call if there was a problem. Also because it was 6 weeks ago, and I KNOW they got the test results withing 3 or 4 business days....AND I called in way back then, and the receptionist wouldn't help me, and I couldn't hold my tongue at the time and used the "eff" word with her, and promptly ended the conversation without apology.  Women, they are SO passionate about these things  *who would guess*

...and whatever issue may have been has most likely been "flushed" out of my system....I know I make assumptions here, but if they didn't tell me information that I should have known, and then I went under anesthetic for surgery, and took all those T3's and penicillin, and such.....sigh.   Anyhow, I will find out tomorrow what the issue is....or was. Or whatever.
 
I got the call this morning at 8 something at work, and an hour later, after I ran around work like a chicken with my head cut off, I spoke with my [stand-in] supervisor, and got 2 sentences out and then just burst in to tears. Sometimes you just KNOW. You know?

Current Mood: infuriated

12:50 pm - resolution ~ and I will then perservere

Well, If I wilt have a family with this gentleman, than I thing I shall skat away in the fall. I looked up some rental places in Curitiba, and Floripa, and I think I can fund myself until my vista tourist expires. 2001...Dec I believe.

This is a must. The last 3 partners I've had, I've said ,"After this is over, I am finally going to go where my heart is pointing ot me to" Then - Well I have not gone yet. SO, On my last day off, I review the budget I drew up only yesterday, and with the savings account and my investment I will have more than enough. I will head to Brazil to work on my art. To relax, and escape the 9-5. The oil economy, and maybe I will meet that man I've been hoping would walk by for the past few years. But if not, I will be happy, warm, painting. I can continue in my pursuit of Bossa Nova on the Banjo, be healthy, because I won't be waiting for the snow to melt 8 months a year......OK. There. Unless something changes with this John character, I will leave before high season hits. Dec 12th I believe it is. OK> Stick to the plan. Stick to the budget. Maintain my bodyshape and level of happiness where I am now. Wow the family is destined to be widespread.

OH did I mention I am leaving to go to Houston next sunday (the 20th) Wow I mean I have less than 2 weeks. Houston for 3 days then on the Guatemala city to stay with the parents. Too bad they speak spanish there. I could live there for FREE with the parents (Ugh-I know-not sure it would work sooo great anyhow) I need to be with the Brazilians, ad their portuguese is SO beautiful-spanish is just so ...choppy!

Current Mood: blank

01:31 pm - realization about my John boy

I've discovered something. Totally obvious ~ now sure how is escaped my thinking for the past few weeks.

I can't ask him to have a family, any more that I could be asked to not have one. It's not fair to ask me to forfeit having the children I've dreamed of for so long. And he has worked hard his whole life, and asking him to forfeit the active retirement nearly in his grasp, is just as horrible. So no. It can not be done. We can be lovers in the interim-that's all.
This is how I feel-my eyes have this same substance in them now.....

My heart sags-but does not break at the thought of this. I sag in knowing that we are a good match-just a few years off.

I could not be hated so much though-by his ex-wife. I just couldn't be that person. And although they are separated, I know they are still each others' best friends. And this would also be lost if we had a family. How could I have been so selfish?

So, now I have a lover- to love and to be loved by, and to keep my pussy out of trouble To suck his elderly knowledge into my young life. Ok, perhaps my heart is cracking a bit. But I know-life goes on no matter how much pain one feels, so it's best to just look ahead and make plans...

Current Mood: and craving a cig...

12:46 pm

Well I am going to get my top wisdom teeth out in about an hour.
I am not thinking about it, but I sense a bit of tension underneath all these non-related thoughts.
I am willing a quick recovery, to allow for the exchange or love that awaits upon my return. I can't wait to spend sometime with him and do some great catch-up. Anyhow, I have not eaten in 13 hours, and I am sure it will go until 16hours, and no water either, sheesh. I felt so hippo-ish though, so a bit f a 'fast' may reset my strict diet I used to be so accustomed to. Spending time here at Nancy's has really reinforced how much I've changed, I've given an inch at a time and it has spanned half an acre by now. I like myself (and my habits) the way it was 1.5 years ago, before t=all the upheaval....
Alright, enough of that, I am off to 'go under' and wen I resurface, I have new tasks awaiting me, like drinking water and warm veggie broth from last nights steaming of the vegetables.

Current Mood: anxious

09:35 pm - floating feelings

This song makes me float away with all these leaves and cry my natural tears into the earths natural rain barrel and soak into all the beauty that life has to offer. I could cry at my life. For the hardships and the privileges I have been granted in the past years. The relationships, so enriching, that have been made and lost. The kisses that have been felt, that I still feel today, that will never be again.
I met someone who has never liked their picture taken-even with their partner to remember their time together. He said it is because it is their memory, and their's alone. And a photo would make it other's memory as well. It is his way of keeping their special moments exclusively special. Isn't that wonderful? I think I like how it sounds.
I know I do myself harm even thinking in my head about the possibilities that I threw away when I left my ex over a year ago now, and when one makes a decision, the best thing 'one' can do, is to stick to that decision. Sometime I just start to day dream, and it's wonderful to go back there and "look ahead" in those old shoes I used to wear, and dream the dreams I used to share with him. But then at the end of that whimsical, emotional day, I am fluttering out of control, trying to place my footing, and get back to where my reality is currently planted. sigh.

I've fallen for someone. And I am waiting to hear if they will join me. Level headed he is, and will be making major decision soon, and i am here. Waiting to get my wisdom teeth cut out of my upper jaw bone. scared, and waiting to hold him once again. Things may never be the same. He is a full-of-heart individual, someone I could love till the end, and I think he may be too sensible to follow me to the ends of time. I will know in 6 days. Surgery was on my mind all day, but this takes the cake, it seems more like a savior, take my mind off of him. I don't want my anxiety to reach him and alter his decisions either....And I know we are somewhat 'connected; in that sense. All it takes is for both of us to look up into a shiny moon-and we are closer than ever. Talking like we are across the table yet again.




I have yet to translate, and suspect it's best not to know what is going on. It would ruin the feeling. Like Marisa Monte music. I loved it until I began to understand the language more, and found it completely sappy and a bit too "womanly" I guess you could say.

Current Mood: thoughtful